Relationshit

Today is Valentine’s Day and I should be happy but I am not.  I was hoping for something not so ordinary but I came home to the same thing. My relationship seems perfect but it isn’t. It’s as cold as the weather here. Really cold.

Everything’s routinely done. I sleep, wakeup, eat, take a bath, go to work and sleep again. Where does he come in? I sleep beside him but haven’t had sex for… l lost count. Yes that long. I wake up and he’s out of bed clicking the mouse. I eat separately and take a cold bath alone. I get scolded everyday for the simplest things.  Just because I am clumsy, just because I came home late, just because of something I said and I think just because he likes to.

He doesn’t read my stories, my essays and my poems. He doesn’t show admiration to the artworks that I make. I don’t feel the appreciation at all. I never see him browse through by doodle books.  He wouldn’t know what’s going on with me and what I am going through unless I cry.

I can’t be the sweet me around him. I can’t cuddle him up coz he gets easily tickled and it annoys him. I can’t kiss him on the neck coz it will annoy him. I can’t tease him coz it will annoy him. No long hugs, kisses or sweet nothings. It’s as stale as a one week opened soda.

(Tears falling down)

If asked if I still love him… I’d still answer “yes of course” but if asked why, I am really not sure.

I know it’s not just him. I know part of this shit is my fault too. I’ve been doing bad things. I’m trying to avoid it but it makes me happy. I think he’s doing it too. Making himself happy with other things. I am scared for 2010 to happen again. It was painful and I really don’t want to go through that anymore.

This is what I feel sometimes. Most of the time… I really don’t care.